STRAIGHT-GAY

What Is It With These 

“Straight-Gays”?

What is it with these “straight-gays”?

By that, I mean men who live what appears to be a thoroughly heterosexual life for decades—and only come out later in life. They have the 9-to-5 job, the wife, the children, provide for their families, go to church, and, by all outward appearances, are straight. They’re often pillars of their communities.

Then, somewhere along the way, they come out.

Some say they always knew they were attracted to men, but it never particularly bothered them. Others say they were attracted to men but simply kept that part of themselves firmly on the DL.

By the time they finally come out, they may have grandchildren and decades of what, from the outside, looks like a completely heterosexual life behind them.

And here's where I get puzzled.

Living here in Palm Springs, I've encountered a LOT of these guys. I don't know why—I just seem to keep crossing paths with them. I've known quite a few, and, honestly, I find many of them… boring. We often seem to have very little in common.

Their conversations tend to revolve around their houses (yawn), finances and figures (oh-hum), their children and grandchildren (god-forbid), technology (boring), data (tedious), statistics (dull), and other decidedly left-brained subjects.

I'm much more right-brained—give me creativity, theater, music, sexuality, stories, adventure, emotion, and the wonderfully messy stuff of human experience.

So why does this particular type of gay man sometimes make me angry?

What's going on with me?

I accept these guys. I don't question their sexuality or their journeys. But I don't necessarily relate to their worldview—or agree with the way they see life.

Maybe what irritates me isn't who they are, but what their stories stir up in me.

So I'm trying to figure that out.

I looked it up in the “Dictionary”—okay, okay… AI—and apparently there’s a label for this. Here’s what it calls them:

Closeted / Comphet: Psychologists note that many of these men operated under compulsory heterosexuality (often abbreviated as comphet), internalizing societal expectations so deeply that they genuinely believed they were living a straight life until their authentic feelings surfaced later.

It’s difficult for me to understand their point of view, especially when many of them haven’t had to fight for their rights and identity in the way I have. When I talk with them, I often hear some variation of: “I don’t want to come out as gay. I don’t want to be a poster boy for the community.”

Whaaaat?! 🤷‍♂️

I struggle with that. For me, being gay was never simply something to hide or quietly acknowledge—it was something I had to fight for, live openly, and ultimately embrace.

Different kinds of people, I suppose. I can accept that we’re different—but alas, I don’t have to agree with them.

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